February 7, 2012

• Remember those children’s songs you used to sing when you were a kid? I remember being in elementary school and having a jolly old time singing those cute little songs with my classmates. The alphabet song, “Baa, Baa, Black Sheep,” “The Itsy Bitsy Spider,”–they’re timeless classics we all learned as kids, and can still sing even though we’re well past adulthood.

  But if you ever stop and think about the lyrics to these songs, you start to realize that some of them aren’t as kid friendly as you’d think. Sure, they sound innocent, but don’t let their simple-yet-whimsical tunes fool you. These songs are totally anti-children.

  For instance, let’s look at the words to “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.” Sure, it seems like a song about some star in the sky…but in reality, the message it’s trying to get across is that children are retarded.

  

  

  You see what I mean?!

  And then there’s the crappy parent anthem, “Rock-A-Bye Baby”:

  

  

  

  

  I used to sing this song thinking it was just about a baby in a tree–which it was. What I didn’t know, however, was that the tree baby was in a cradle that was hanging precariously off a rickety-ass bough–which later snaps in the wind, and causes the baby to fall to the ground. This song is a hot freaking mess! I mean, why would you lull a child to sleep with a lullaby about an unwanted baby that ends up doing a face plant into dirt and roots?

  And finally, there’s that children’s song about bells–aptly entitled “The Bells”:

  

  

  

  

  Umm…I might have made up the part about the bell being a crackhead with a gambling problem…but you get the idea.

  • 4:42 pm
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