May 18, 2012

• So I’m currently in the middle of moving to a new place and OMG! It is such a f*cking nightmare! It has gotten so bad that I’ve actually started wondering if I was in hell…in fact, I think Dante’s Divine Comedy included a bit about how the souls in the lowest circle of hell were condemned to move from place to place for all of eternity…using only a U-Haul truck too! Noooooo!

  Sidebar: If you ever find yourself getting called out for spouting nonsense that you pulled out of your ass because you were desperately trying to make conversation, just say you got it from the Divine Comedy. This tactic tends to work when used against children and the illiterate because (1) most people are only familiar with the Inferno, and aren’t aware that it is just a part of the Divine Comedy, (2) they aren’t going to admit #1, and will go along with you because they don’t want to be called out when they’re the ones who started it, and (3) even though they now know there is something called the Divine Comedy, they aren’t going to bother reading it just to find out if you’re full crap.
  
  Anyway, maybe I’m exaggerating a little about how awful the moving process has been, but it’s still pretty damn bad. For one thing, I spent every single day looking at sh*t that I couldn’t believe I actually owned (i.e., a child’s sippy cup that is shaped like an owl…WTF?! ), and/or didn’t even know how the hell I ended up owning it (i.e., child’s sippy cup that is shaped like an owl…Seriously, WTF?!). Those items all got tossed into a donation pile that by the end of the move will also include things I actually should have kept, but donated anyway because it was easier to haphazardly toss them than it was to pack them.

  

  

  Making matters worse was the fact that my stuff was apparently breeding. They had to be. Every time I managed to clear an area, it somehow filled back up with even more crap than before!

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  It’s driving me nuts…! What the hell am I supposed to do with a million sporks? I don’t eat at KFC that often!

  In between my attempts to force my stuff into a one-child policy, I’ve also got to deal with Ikea. I hate Ikea. I hate it because it sells cheap furniture that looks good and lasts longer than you’d expect of cheap furniture.

  One problem with Ikea, however, is that you have to build everything yourself. And I’m bad at that. I once managed to put together a dresser, but only after I took the freaking thing apart like three times because I used the wooden plank that had 5 holes instead of the one with 4 the first time around, and put the drawer rails on backwards on my second attempt. By the time I was done with the dresser, it looked like it was the victim of a drive-by.

  Another problem is that Ikea’s furniture is deceptively simple-looking. Like, you go to the showroom and see a nightstand looks like it’s just a square tabletop and four legs, which makes you think, “OMG! This only has 5 pieces! I can totally do this!” And so you buy it.

  But when you open the box, you end up seeing all this sh*t:

  

  And the accompanying instructions look like this:

  
   

  How the hell is anyone supposed to put together anything with this f*ckery?!

  The only thing that has kept me from going insane is that I finally completely moved out of my old apartment yesterday (…I think), and probably won’t be moving again for a long time. And I don’t even have to worry about unpacking because I hid all of my boxes in the garage…where I can’t see them. And they will stay there until the food I didn’t realize was packed away starts to stink up the place. Hooray!

  Thanks so much for putting up with my delayed posting!

  • 3:20 pm
  • 14 Comments