June 29, 2012
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My friend told me a story about some workplace drama one of his coworkers was involved in—a story I would have found totally amusing had it not set off my Potential Psycho Alarm.
As the name suggests, my Potential Psycho Alarm is triggered by people who are barely balancing the fine line between extreme creepiness and crazy-ass-wielding-a-samurai-sword-in-the-middle-of-Disneyland. It doesn’t go off very often because I don’t live in Florida, so on those rare occasions when it does, you can bet I’m not taking that sh*t lightly.
With this recent alarm, however, I’m not quite if it was triggered because my friend’s coworker has genuine psycho potential, or because I’ve been binging on the Investigation Discovery channel, which has a lineup entirely dedicated to shows about famous murder investigations (super interesting stuff!). So I’m going to share the story with you to see if your Potential Psycho Alarm goes off. If it doesn’t, then I need to cut the cable cord. If it does, then–hmm…then I’ll just draw some more Paint pictures and ask you guys what I should do next.
In this telling, I will be using Apple, Orange, and Pear to illustrate the pivotal moments.
Apple is the coworker and the star of this story. He’s not very good at socializing with people, and is even less skilled at attracting women. He recently took up photography, and spends his weekends going to clubs and trying to convince drunk girls to model for him (Holy crap! Did your Potential Psycho Alarm go off when you read that sentence too?!). Wait, it gets better! Before becoming a “photographer,” Apple used to be a “party promoter.” Oh please. Everyone knows that “party promoter” is just a fancy way of saying “douche bag who sticks party fliers on your windshield.”
Anyway, the apple of Apple’s eye (hahaha…ugh…) is Orange, the office receptionist. Apple has been trying to woo Orange for awhile now by asking her repeatedly, “Are you busy this weekend?” He has occasionally given up and turned his attention to Orange’s friends and family, whose pictures she keeps on her desk. But in the end, his heart always returns to Orange.
Pear is Apple’s project manager. The company they work for does financial projections or something for businesses, and employees are grouped into teams. My friend, Apple, and a few other people are all on Pear’s team.
Because the company had been renovating half of the office building, the entire workforce was crammed into the other half. And in order to make everyone fit, they ended up putting desks in the break rooms and reception area (I imagine it looked kind of like the setup on “The Office,” but way more crowded).The workspace for Pear’s team was in the reception area, and Apple’s desk was adjacent to Orange’s. Yeah, I know: dun…dun…dun!
Okay, so all this drama went down when the company announced last week that the renovations were complete, and the teams that had been displaced by the construction would be moved back to the other half of the building.
After Pear left, Orange tried to talk some sense into Apple…
Yes, he was not going to move under any circumstances, even if it cost him his job.
Having cut ties with his old team, Apple started making the rounds to all the other project managers in the company and asking them if he could join their teams. No one, however, would take him on. In fact, they actually all told him he was being unreasonable.
There is no way you could have heard that story without your Potential Psycho Alarm going off in your head. Apple is crazy! All Pear was asking him to do was move to the office down the hall, but he reacted as if he was being told that the company was relocating him to Syria! Syria!
This situation screams impending workplace violence, and I told my friend that he should be careful. But he thought I was overreacting because “Apple’s not like that.” Well that’s really comforting. What’s the most common thing people say when they are interviewed after someone they know has committed mass murder? “He didn’t see like the type.”
So…was my Potential Psycho Alarm a false alert?
P.S. Pretend the purple box is a bunch of grapes. I got lazy…sorry…
Comments (17)
Looks like a rotten apple to me–creepy at least, and possibly dangerous.
No, Apple is being… incredibly unreasonable. Unless he’s menstruating, it’s a serious alarm.
I want orange!!
Thanks for taking the time out to share this, and yes there is something up with Apple lol. Let us know if any updates!
I would love to see your drawings on ny sundat’s comic section. I always enjoy reading your xanga, and apple is indeed crazy.
love crazy… And apparently blinded
He’s a couple ticks away from going psycho.
Nah, I’m not reading “psycho”…..
I’m reading more of a person with a severe lack of social skills who has extreme problems communicating..but not a tendency for violence.
My suspicion is that the reception area is alive with all exciting new faces, people, and interesting conversation plus he’s next to his beloved orange. His normal office area probably doesn’t get much traffic so he’s more secluded.
He’s unable to communicate his desire and reasons to stay in such a lively area but he doesn’t want to leave so it comes out the way it did. Think of Sheldon from Big Bang Theory. It’s how super nerds behave.
The fact that he’s willing to risk his job is strange, but I think all he needs is a good talk so he can express his feelings why he likes sitting there and then find a substitute on his time off for that so he won’t feel separation anxiety. If the office has a counselor, that should do the trick.
man i was thinking workplace violence when i was reading this…poor poor orange
definitely strange… who would want them on their team after they saw how unreasonable and stubborn they were? :
i don’t think it will come down to workplace violence, but i do feel sorry for orange. it’s got to be uncomfortable for her to have to deal with his attention everyday, especially since she witnessed that awkward, awful exchange. can he even keep his job if he’s not on a team?
The potential is there.
Since he’s sitting there already, he should apply to be a receptionist. He can improve his social skills and be next to his Orange!
I would be more worried about stalker tendencies rather than outright workplace violence.
lol…Damn fruits… They never want to stay in the loom… hahaha
Man, Apple is one awkward cat. I don’t know the guy, but he needs to figure out a way to stop repressing his emotions or else he will go postal.
Is it difficult to fire someone who works for you? that’s just absurd stuff. he needs a referral to a therapist for further evaluation and coping tips.just check his computer to make sure he’s not looking up weapon making instructions lol
annoying orange… or annoyed apple?