December 2, 2004

• I took a laxative today...

  
  

  Don't ask me why...you should know why...

  
  

  It was the worst decision I have ever made.

  
  

  Imagine it the way I'm experiencing it: you take two tiny pieces of chocolate two hours before lunch. You eat, clean your apartment, and then find yourself going to the bathroom. It is painless, and you feel as if your insides are clean. You take two more little pieces, as the directions advise, and expect that the rest of your day will pass by comfortably.

  
  

  You go to Costco and eat the samples from various vendors: a piece of Hot Pocket here, a snip of meatball there, and finish it off with four Pringles potato chips. You barely make it home before your stomach swells with noxious gas.

  
  

  Run to the toilet! Run! Run! Run! You sit and wait for instant relief but find to your absolute horror that NOTHING COMES OUT! NOTHING! NOTHING! NOTHING!

  
  

  You shrivel in a ball and cry into a towel, "Why me! Why me!"

  
  

  The nausea and cramping subsides after you let out some wet farts...and then you go and have dinner...and two Peptol Bismol tablets.

  
  

  Two hours later, mild cramping starts to build as your stomach becomes a battle field for the war between Ex-Lax and Peptol Bismol.

  
  

  

  
  

  You will run into the bathroom again, and having nothing come out, you realize your life sucks.

  
  

  So is the story of my experience with Ex-Lax.

  • 11:10 pm
  • 6 Comments